And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I said "one day" and that day is not today
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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