god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
