I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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