I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
