I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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