so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
