Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
