I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
