There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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