My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
