He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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