New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize