i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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