I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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