I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
