so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
