You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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