my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
