Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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