Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
