watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
