areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
