You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
