Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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