I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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