I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
There's always time for handjobs
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
