i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize