we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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