Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you had me at cake vodka
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
