You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize