Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So much Jack, so little girl.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
