Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
