If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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