OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
