do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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