Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
