i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
