Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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