just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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