We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sext me about skeletons
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
