I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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