there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
