Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
third nipple confirmed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
