bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
