ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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