I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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