Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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