when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
