I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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