I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
