the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize