I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
