honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
