i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
