I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
