well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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