Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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